WARNING! This blog post contains all of the following: Egregious use of big words, Military-grade-profanity and insults, self-effacing street slang, hyperbolic over-hyphenation, and excessive use of ellipses (and a licentiously liberal load of alliteration). You have been warned. Read on at your own risk. The author is not responsible for your weak-sauce, civilian-grade ass not being able to handle “big-people words” of either type: syllabic or vulgar.

EDIT: obviously I was wrong about almost everything that I was trying to predict in this predictive blog post. That should be a lesson to anyone reading about listening to anyone that claims they can predict anything.

I don’t do this very often (more like ever) but, I’m going to make a prediction (two actually). <shocked gasps from the “in” crowd> I know, I know. Pick your jaw up off the floor, roll your tongue back up and put it back in your mouth where it is supposed to go.

Here is the first one:

Hillary is gonna win 2016’s presidential campaign.

Now don’t get me wrong, I am not now, nor have I ever been, nor will I EVER be a Hillary supporter. My t-shirt would read: I’m NOT with Her nor that other stupid fucktard, either.

She has got to where she is by lying, cheating, bribery, graft, and corruption her whole life to get there, but she, nevertheless, is going to win.

Why?

Because as evil, corrupt, dishonest, sold-out-to-foreign-interests (mostly middle-eastern mind you), bad as she is, Trump is worse. He represents the antithesis of what it means to be an American. We are a nation of immigrants, he is anti-immigration. We are a nation that values hard work (both manual and intellectually). Trump hasn’t done a single day of either hard intellectual work or manual labor in his life. He was born with a silver hairpiece on his head full of only-the-best ozone-destroying hairspray available in the don’t-give-a-fuck-about-the-air-we-all-breathe-or-water-we-all-drink-era. Trump ONLY values himself winning at the expense of everyone else. Winning isn’t enough for him. Someone (preferably multiple someones) MUST lose when Trump wins or the win is not satisfying enough for him. We are a nation that hasn’t always done well with accepting others who may be different but we are trying and we have made significant forward progress in that direction. He advocates for and represents regression in that area. We are a group of people that have generally always been willing to help where help is needed: To lend a hand in times of need. To write a check or hold the ladle in the line at the local soup kitchens. To support REAL charitable organizations that actually help those in need of REAL charity. To feed the hungry, and clothe the tattered poor among us. To shelter the homeless. To care for the sick. Trump is none of this. His personal charitable contributions are abysmally thin…starvation and anorexia levels you might say. His professional and business giving is abominable. We are a nation that has always valued collaboration and team work while cherishing our individuality at the same time. Trump is an individual that derides and despises teamwork and collaboration, they are tribulations to be suffered, but ONLY if the end result can bring him more personal wealth and fame and only if others around him lose in the process. Trump is the epitome of the rich, uncaring, money-for-money’s sake, money-for-power’s-sake, money-for-fame’s-sake, wealth-baron. The Oil Baron, The Railroad Baron, The Lobbyist Baron, The Political Donor Baron, The Logging Baron, The Foreign-Despotic Tyrant Baron, The Banker Baron (an internally redundant title I know, but go with my theme), these modern aristocracy are Trump’s only “friends.” Trump’s only peers. Trump’s only concern. These are the Oligarchs of our current government and of our world. The same can also be said of Hell-Liary (this derogatory name for Hillary brought to you by the letters F and U, was invented by yours truly, and I am quite proud of it I might add) and Slick Willy too, incidentally.

Trump values winning over HOW you win. Trump is the Russian Olympic teams doping, cheating, ANYTHING to win the gold regardless of whether it is illegal, immoral, or unethical. Trump is Ryan Lochte, vandalizing and pissing on a rest stop gas station, and then trying to make himself appear the victim by making up bullshit stories about being mugged. America values winning, but ONLY if you win fair and square and without cheating. America loves an underdog and come-from-behind story. Trump is a schoolyard bully who trips you in the footrace and then kicks you while you are down and then calls you a loser at the finish line. Trump represents the seedy, unethical, immoral, greedy, self-serving, racist, Darkseid (Uh-oh! Possible spoiler alert for upcoming DC movies! Uh-oh! Pop culture reference! Shit! Where is my pop-culture dictionary…better ask Google. Damn! that’s three corporate and commercial shout-outs in one single aside, I need to ease up a bit. I’m not getting paid shit for this publicity) of America.

Trump is running as the candidate who represents everything wrong with America past, present, and possible future. Trump won’t make America great again, He can’t. Trump is everything that is and ever has been wrong with America. And his intent is to bring it back full force, whole hog, the full Monty, and every other tried and trite phrase that means TOTALLY and COMPLETELY! Trump CAN’T make America great again. We never stopped being great and we haven’t ever stopped getting “greater.” No single man, woman, or child can change that fact. We got greater when we started to correct a previous mistake, and freed the black slaves living among us as second-class citizens. We got greater when we recognized women’s rights and improved their working conditions and pay. We got greater when we outlawed child labor. We got greater when we recognized atheists’ right to NOT practice a religion of their choice because NO religion IS a choice under that freedom of religious choice. We got greater when we recognized that every individual has an inherent right to self-defense and to carry arms in support of that right. We got greater when we recognized that binary sexual identity is not a fact of nature and only a misconception of bullshit religious propaganda and uneducated, ignorant, superstitious moronic fucktards. We get greater every day and Trump can’t change that FACT, no matter how hard he tries. No matter how much propaganda he spews about how great we aren’t.

AND even if we weren’t already improving ourselves on a daily basis, Trump is the LEAST capable person in this entire country who could make that change happen. You can’t improve something external to yourself if you can’t seem to ever fix what is wrong with the internal mechanisms and processes.

He is a piece of shit greedy businessman who has zero interest in being president. AND he’s not actually trying to make it happen for himself, all he’s doing is trying to increase his media exposure in pursuit of increasing his brand awareness and increasing his own personal income, on the backs of the stupid fucktards that swallow his bullshit propagandized message whole, wipe his cum off their lips and beg for more, from this piece of shit one-percenter.

He is everything that Hillary is, and claims to not be: a rich, white, self-centered, self-serving, lie-to-get-ahead, member of the entitled, ivy-league-educated, “elite” caste of the Oligarchs of American society. The group of people that look down from their lofty, rarefied-air-perches on Olympus, at the rest of us, struggling to make ends meet between paychecks, then they take their caviar spoons out from between their botoxed lips, wave it pointedly around and mutter out loud, for attention from their fawning lick-spittle acolytes of corruption, “Aww how cute. Look, guys! That serf, down there just tried to stand up for their own rights, and make their voice heard above the white noise news we have been feeding them. How futile and pointless are they? <rich, white, entitled, neu-money, aristocratic giggle>” and then go right back to colluding with their rich national and international-banker and tyrannical-despot friends at dinner parties funded by their corporate and extra-national puppeteers…err handlers…err what’s the word I’m looking for again? OH YEAH! Diplomats. Yeah that’s it. That’s the right word…diplomats. We need to make it a non-controlling and non-threatening word so the mindless serfs down there don’t catch on to what we are doing to them. I am that “mindless serf” trying to shout to be heard above the idiocy. And no one will hear me until we all start to shout. Until we all stand up for our individual and collective rights. Alone we are weak, easily broken, ignored, and discarded, together we are unbreakable, strong, and mighty (sorry I paraphrased you, Abe, but your words ring as true today as they did on the eve of civil war a hundred and 50 years ago).

The ONLY difference between Trump and Hillary is that Trump comes out and says exactly what he thinks. He is a literal, and uncontrolled, stream-of-consciousness-verbal-vomit-spewing-train-wreck-in-slow-motion. Hillary is the opposite of him in ONLY that single aspect. She is ever-so-controlled, lie-to-you-with-a-straight-face-without-blinking-or-even-recognizing-her-own-lie-she-is-so-far-down-her-own-rabbit-hole-of-bullshit, shake-your-hand-with-the-right-and-stab-you-with-the-left, conniving, lying, sell-out, graft soaked, bribed to the nine’s (you know…like “dressed to the nine’s but she bought the clothes with other countries’ dirty, drug and oil money). She advocates for tougher drug laws and three strike rules that proportionally hugely negatively impact minority families and persons, while smiling and pumping you full of the bullshit that she is “for” the minority people of America, and that she’s on their team…yeah, she’s on a team alright…the team that is sending them (which means US as Americans) to prison in ever higher numbers and for ever smaller, and less significant crimes. She is for free trade and is the loudest and most vocal advocate of it, right up to the second it becomes apparent that her political future depends on not being in favor of it, and then she switches sides like Benedict Arnold. She doesn’t’ hold any personal ideals. She holds no positions on her own. She has no personal values. Her personal values have dollar amounts attached to them. Her personal positions are up for sale to the highest bidder. Her personal ideals are money and power and she whores herself out to achieve ONLY those ends. She is the most mercenary politician in American History. She makes Tricky Dick look positively benign. His most famous statement is 100% correct when viewed in light of a comparison to Hell-Liary the Corporate and Foreign Shill. (You might as well just keep the dictionary next to your computer so you don’t have to get up and go find it every time you don’t know a word). She is every bit Trump’s equal in terms of self-serving and money-grubbing. In America the two of them may not have a third match…unless you account for Slick Willy, the King of Self-Serving Money Grubbing Liars and First Among Equals on the Council of American Oligarchs. And THAT is saying something, in the most money driven and obsessed country in the history of the World.

Here’s my second prediction:

Trump will either pull out (sexual innuendo fully intended here, for maximum offensive force, for all you pussy ass motherfuckers out there who are so weak that you can’t handle letters on a page or mere words spoken aloud, [You military veterans just chuckle and carry on reading while I deal with the civilians here] see what I did there? I took something that could have been barely very mildly offensive to only the most perceptive people, and made it blatantly, egregiously, in-your-face, fuck-you-and-your-mother offensive, so obvious you that you couldn’t ignore it and thus, you can either accept it and move the fuck on like a grown up or whine about offensive words like the fucking limp-dicked, Viagra-deficient, pencil-necked, pansy-ass, sand-in-your-vagina, tampon-needing, special petunia that your momma always told you that you were) of the race-that-isn’t-a-race, at, or just before, the very last minute OR he will take his farce-for-fame-and-fortune all the way to the ballot box, meanwhile laughing his ass off at the gullible, moronic fucktards, that sold themselves, their honor, their integrity, their bodies, and their souls to the proverbial devil (non-religious, pro-abortion “republican” anyone?).

Republitards (Another of my words. I coined it during the late part of the 2015 run up to the American Presidential Nominations You are welcome, Democrats, Independents, the World, and English Dictionaries, as for the people for whom the word is applicable, I fart in your zheneral direction, you and all your silly KKK niggggits, now go back to reading that false flag bullshit propaganda mill, Breitbart, before I taunt you a second time…yes you saw that correctly, that is 3 “K’s” next to each other and that was intentional. Sorry for fucking up your epically quotable quote, Mr. Cleese) are running around like Chihuahuas with their diapers on fire, yelling that a vote for anyone but Trump is a vote for Hillary, but what the stupid fucktards don’t realize is that trump is taking them for a ride…on the Hillary train. he can’t beat her and never could…and he knew it from the start, but he’s gonna take it right up to the wire in support of his old friends Slick Willy and Shillary (not my invention but I love it nonetheless, almost as much as I like my own derogatory term for her), and gonna do her a solid by destroying their greatest enemy the Republican party while he’s at it. The most hilarious thing of the whole situation is that I wrote about him doing exactly that MONTHS ago, right after he announced his candidacy and started skyrocketing up the polls with his racist bullshit rhetoric that only gullible, stupid, nationalistic, uneducated, and inherently racist, white trash morons believed.

Republicans are gonna scream and yell and point fingers of blame at each other, and everyone else, for Hillary’s win. AND no matter where they point them they would be correct (for once in their idiotic, propaganda-fueled, head-in-the-sand lives). everyone IS to blame…ESPECIALLY Republitards.

Democrats are to “blame” for not voting for a blatant and egregious racist piece of shit one percenter (even though they chose a barely less of any of that description one for their “chosen” cough cough no-cheating-happened-here-candidate).

Independents are to “blame” for not “choosing” one of either of the two epically distasteful, shittiest, least ethical, least moral, least honest, most hypocritical, self-aggrandizing (look it up, it’s called a dictionary, you can get one at nearly any thrift bookstore, they are in the section titled “No Americans want or use these books”), greedy, selfish, and entitled presidential candidates in US history.

BUT with all the blame going around, republitards are the MOST to blame, for creating their own shitstorm of idiocy and dumbassery. the shitstorm they created has been brewing for years and not only was self-initiated, but also is also self-immolating (look it up). This shitstorm is based in anti-science rhetoric and idiocy. The shitstorm has elements of religious evangelism in it. The shitstorm has overtones of Christian theocratic authoritarianism all over it. The shitstorm they created spawned the Tea Party and an internal party revolt that pushed the republitards from a semi-respectable and semi-reputable national party into the FAR FAR FAR reaches of ultra-right-wing, crackpot, tinfoil hat, nutjob, blatant racist, nazi-loving, nationalist (thats literally what nazi means…look it up for those of you who dont know shit all about history) territory.

So yeah, yell all you want about Hillary lying, cheating, and bribing her way to the presidential nomination, but as despicable and disgusting as she is, you are worse, your chosen candidate is worse, you did it to yourselves, and also took the rest of us with you down in your epically stupid, self-induced, titanic of a clusterfuck.

Who is to blame? We all are. For letting our politics devolve to this point. For letting our public discourse become so befouled by bullshit religious beliefs, that we fail to ensure our neighbors are enjoying the exact same freedoms we are enjoying. For letting bullshit personal ideologies that have zero basis in FACT or REALITY become our defining personal mantras. Rather than basing our opinions in fact and supporting them with evidence, we wave and thump moronic, bullshit, paternalistic, misogynistic, superstitious idiocy in the air and yell that fact and evidence are not real and only bullshit religious beliefs are real.

We are ALL to blame. Time to look in the mirror at the moronic fucktards we have become, America. Can you handle the sheer dumbassery that is there in the mirror staring back at you slack-jawed and drooling in a wife beater with a beer in it’s hand? This is what we have become…the laughingstock of the rest of the civilized world…a caricature of a small segment or the least educated and least intelligent and most distasteful slice of our society. This is the image the rest of humanity sees when we open our mouths and remove all doubt about who and what we are. They don’t hate us for our money and wealth and inventions and technology, they hate us for our inveterate meddling in their internal affairs. They hate us for our holier-than-thou, attitude on the world’s political stage. They hate us for our idiotic aversion to hard facts and science. They ridicule us for our interminable idiocy in defunding schools and increasing funding for prisons. They ridicule us because their 6th graders are more intelligent, more educated, more motivated, and less whiny than our 18 year old “adults.”

America is great. We always have been, but we have a serious problem: We are losing ground to the nations that used to eat our dust. The JV team is kicking the Varsity team’ ass all over the field, because the varsity team got fat, and lazy, and whiny, and started waving their stress card (aka religious bullshit books) too much. The second string is working on putting landers on the moon and we can’t figure out how to make sure everyone in America has healthcare. The JV teams are wiping the floor with us because we can’t get our shit together and work as a team. The problem isn’t that America lost its competitive edge or that we lost our individuality, the problem is that Americans became so invested in their own person individuality that they lost the ability to work with other individuals as a team towards a common goal. Clint Eastwood is one of my favorite curmudgeonly intrinsically American actors. He is a pretty smart guy, a badass on the screen, and a badass behind the camera, but even the smartest, and most badass people make mistakes and think idiotic things sometimes. He said, “We’re really in a pussy generation. Everybody’s walking on eggshells. We see people accusing people of being racist and all kinds of stuff. When I grew up, those things weren’t called racist.” Yeah dude, that’s because you were born in 1930 and you grew up BEFORE black people could drink from the same water fountain or take a shit in the same toilet as white people. That’s because you turned 18 and got the right to vote in 1948…well before black people could serve in the same military unit as a white person of the same rack and economic background. That’s because when you were growing up racism was legal and racism was encoded in the law of the land and all of its respective states. You didn’t call it racist, because racism was the normal operations of the day. Don’t be a dumbass along with your badassery, there dude!

When fact and evidence and historical perspective get thrown in the garbage in favor of bullshit religious propaganda, and whatever anti-fact crusade grabs your three functioning brain cells (I’m looking at you, anti-vaxxer fucktards, and at you, young earth creationist bumblefucks) the only way forward left to us as a nation and as a society is down into the gutter with the rest of the uneducated, unwashed, ignorant-and-proud-of-it, moronic asswipes.

OH! there’s some LOVELY filth down ‘ere!

As your brown, non-American, Middle Eastern, non-English speaking, anti-occupation (aka rightful owners and governors by right of conquest), terrorist, zealot, carpenter god supposedly once said:

Ask and ye shall receive. Knock and it shall be opened unto you.

WELLLLLLL, you sure as fuck knocked on that door…with a BIG fucking battering ram, and you asked for what you wanted at the point of several million guns (320 million plus to be sort of specific)…

…Now enter in, and receive your just and well deserved reward:

Revel in your uneducated, blindly-stupid, self-created filth you moronic dumbfuck asshats, you deserve EVERY bit of it.

~Ranticus